Life Is a game

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 00:19:43 GMT

I am officially at the halfway point in my German course. (3/6 weeks complete). I have class four hours a day, four days a week, so I hope I've actually learned something.

In other news, New York City is as beautiful as she always is, but also just as bank-breaking. Most of my money has gone to feeding myself extremely modestly and, of course, supporting my nicotine habit. I've tried desperately to cut down but I'm studying German all the time and (insert 3,000 other excuses) it hasn't really happened as much as I wish it would. Cigarettes are so expensive here. Everytime I buy a pack I spend more than what I allot myself for food. If I come back to Cornell emaciated, you'll know why. At least I'm not really paying rent--I paid one flat fee for the 7 weeks I'm here, and even though I'm in bumfuck upper west, a train ride downtown is only ten minutes.

I haven't met many new friends (my suitemates probably joke about me as "the one who comes home at night and who has a funny, piney, skunky smell coming from her room all the time")....but I've hung out with plenty of old friends. I also have a couple of homeless friends who live in this 24-hr cafe on macdougal and bleeker called "Esperanto Cafe." One is this half-japanese guy named Jumanji who used to be a professional skateboarder, sponsored by Emerika (he showed me his youtube videos--this dude is legit). Then, he broke his arm really badly and had no health insurance, probably started doing crack, etc. Anyway, there so many storytellers here, it's amazing. The Moleskine that I dedicated to my summer in New York is mostly full of interesting stories from people...it's really great.

I'll be in Ithaca for a week before coming back to new york to catch that flight to Berlin. Hopefully I survive 3 more weeks of this intensive-ass class.

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 22:58:07 GMT

silence is more comforting than static in the form of small-talk.

LOLZ

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 21:54:47 GMT

http://thinkprogress.org/2008/12/01/bush-peace/

<3

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 21:08:58 GMT

boo boo boo boo boo boo pet boo.
<<3

dev's post continued, because I'm not one to pass up laughing at failed advertising...

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 20:44:59 GMT

The savage attack has prompted Greyhound to scrap an ad campaign that extolled the peaceful, worry-free upside of bus travel.

The punch line of the ad was "There's a reason you've never heard of 'bus rage'."

digest some of my smile for me, could you?

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 16:58:10 GMT

I
am
a

c
o
l
l
e
g
e

f
u
c
k
i
n
g

s
c
h
o
l
a
r

furia

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 00:28:06 GMT

I'm officially depressed.

Spontaneous, playful uncertainty I can deal with.
Deadly, no-way-out uncertainty rips at me...tears at ME...my body my mind Me.

uncertain(tea?)

uncertain(tea)r

un, sir....tan tea?

fuck this luck.

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:39:07 GMT

Quiero té, mi amor.
Chamomile, per favor.

Te quiero.

Ya te extraño

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 04:48:34 GMT

My phone is officially dead.

It's so liberating.

But it could be a problem at gRoots.

radiohead. underworld. michael franti and spearhead. the roots. ETC.

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 04:27:42 GMT

I'm definitely going to make it to NJ for All Points West. I'm not extremely thrilled about the Bonnaroo lineup this year, minus BB King, so.... yeah. If you buy a carpool pass (4 tickets at once) then you get onsite parking... I'm considering finding 3 other people to ride with me and doing that and then staying with family in Jersey City.

Hmmm???

http://www.apwfestival.com/

<3

Thu, 15 May 2008 21:59:10 GMT

Fuck yes.

Beautiful.

ok, this is just getting ridiculous

Tue, 13 May 2008 08:37:23 GMT

So...

I feel like I'm starring in a secret sitcom about a girl who has the worst luck ever--like the Truman Show. This week has been so bad that at this point, I've just been laughing at all the things that go wrong. I anticipate them. This is how weird it is--today at the library, while waiting in line for coffee I smiled to myself and thought, "they'll probably tell me that I have no big red bucks left", even though moments before waiting in line, I was at the Ivy Room and I saw that I did, in fact, have $30 in big red bucks. They told me I had no big red bucks left. I have $30 in big red bucks. This is bullshit. I had the dude swipe my card again. No cigar. I walk down Ho Plaza and buy a grapefruit juice at the Ivy room. Now I have $27 in big red bucks left. What the fuck?

It gets worse though. Much, much worse.

When I got home, I worked for about an hour on the laptop that I am BORROWING from my engineer friend because my laptop crashed during finals week. During the time it took me to leave the room, walk down the hall to the drinking fountain, fill up my nalgene and walk back, his computer crashed. No, this is not a joke. I fucked with it. I fucked with the battery. I laughed out loud and said, "Hey Varya--wouldn't it be fucking fitting if I actually broke Warren's computer too?"

Yeah. Sooooo hilarious.

This is just getting ridiculous.

:(

Sat, 10 May 2008 15:43:08 GMT

my computerrrr fuckinnngggg dieeeeddddd.

fuck.

It won't turn on. The caps/scroll/num lock little lights blink like ten times, and then it makes a sad noise and shuts off. On the bright side, it still charges, so...idk. Is that on the bright side?

I called my cute computer-sciency electrical engineer friend over to look at it. He says it probably isn't the hard drive...but still. It's a fucking pain in the ass. It's probably because I leave the fucking thing on far too much. Oh well...I had my mom come pick it up and take it to my father who will find someone to fix it by the end of the weekend, I'm sure. Until then I'll just write my 2 papers on other computers and save them to my flash drive like a sketchy fucking computer vagabond. Okay, okay--maybe I don't have THAT much to complain about...but I'm also really sick...and training for a rubiks cube competition.

oh darling, it's just coco chanel and cigarette smoke.

Tue, 06 May 2008 23:14:14 GMT

I'm pretty much worthless when it comes to writing my papers during the daytime.
All I can do is frolic, sprawl out in the sun on the grass and chase ants with my fingers.

Also, instead of writing my Waite paper on the postmodern femme fatale, I should just make a video journal of what I do on a daily basis and hand it in. I think it would be a more accurate depiction.

Then I see you
You're walking cross the campus
Cruel professor
Studying romances
How am I supposed to pretend
I never want to see you again?
How am I supposed to pretend
I never want to see you again?

In the afternoon
You're out on the stone and grass
And I'm sleeping on the balcony
After class

summer lovinnn

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 02:14:13 GMT

Just talked to Ariel about subletting her room for the summer and living with K-Raus in c-town. It sounds like my best option at this point, even though it's a bit more expensive than I originally planned...oh well. Also, the apartment I looked at on North is really nice, but I would be living with 2 grad students that I haven't met, and I'd rather live with K-Raus and make dino noises with her.

yay. hoping this works out.

also, hell week is well on it's way, and I'm still alive. woo.

Now I shall put the finishing touches on my college scholar proposal and kiss it goodbye tomorrow. (eek eek).

petpetpet

I want too much.

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 03:18:15 GMT

Today a lot of things came together for me. I don't mean that my life got any easier, just that I think the pieces are beginning to come together in a way they never have before.

Also: fuck. I think I want to be a starving academic after all. oh well.

I lie, I wait
I stop, I hesitate
I am, I breathe
I meant, I think of me.

Is it any wonder I can't sleep?
All I have is all you gave me to me.
Is it any wonder
I found peace...
through you?

It's not enough,
just a touch.

fuck.

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 03:38:12 GMT

I really, really love philosophy, but sometimes it's hard as fuckkk....and it makes me so fucking frustrated because I love it so much and I want to understand it immediately and I feel like I should understand it immediately but I dont.

:( modus ponens

e-mail from mom... <3

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:49:55 GMT

My mom has recently discovered e-mail, and her daily e-mails are making my life so much sweeter...she teaches preschool at a private school for children with disabilities/gifted children with autism...

Hi Sweet Lady,

Today my class went swimming at IC, but I stayed back with four of my kids. We all went outside with the bubbles and the very large bubble wands. With the wind blowing just right for bubbles, we all made the biggest bubbles ever! They were bigger than the kids! I even brought Nemo the fish Bubble Blower so that Michael could feel comfortable if he didn't know how to blow bubbles, which he didn't, and he loved Nemo the Bubble Blower. Michael is my new autistic child with no language, but who can do the most amaaazing drawings. He drew Nemo and gave it to me.

Hope your day was as good as mine,

Love,

MAMA with lots of kisssesesesseses

lazy library da(ys)ze

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 19:28:53 GMT

"One day, two years ago, when I was in Cambridge...a journalist took the microphone and said, 'Well, could you tell me, in a nutshell, what is deconstruction?' Sometimes, of course, I confess, I am not able to do that. But sometimes it may be useful to try nutshells."

Jacques Derrida

Hahaha. Sometimes it may be useful to try nutshells. I love it.

touché

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 02:51:59 GMT

Consider it a wary forgiveness that alleviates the hate to the status of an acquaintance.

The slap should have been harder, though.

5:15 am? Psh. Who cares?

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 09:17:41 GMT

The social definitions of maleness and femaleness, and furthermore, of heterosexuality and homosexuality, in which sexual and social potency exist, govern not only sexual experiences, but all bodily experiences of the individuals in a given society. Given that cinema is essential to the constitution of American culture, it is beyond question that Hollywood is one of the primary authors of these social definitions which have such a profound effect on our individual experiences. It is worth investigating, then, not only the obvious question of the scope of these social definitions of maleness and femaleness, heterosexuality and homosexuality, but the definitions themselves. Among Hollywood’s timeless depictions of the heterosexual dynamic, of the modern-day Romeos and Juliets, lurks the silenced and invisible Other, the homosexual couple. When searching and listening for Hollywood’s social definition of homosexuality, one hears only a whisper drowned out by the heterosexual scream, and this is far from a mistake.

Waite paper for "x" number of hours straight = critical theory orgasm. critical theory orgasm allows the human body to stay awake forever. don't contest this. I can also probably fly and/or run up buildings. too bad I'll never find out. I think figi water lies. Fuck. I'm so fucking tired. (blasphemy!)

digest some of your smile for me, could you?

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 05:09:03 GMT

I can't even work. I just choke on thoughts of you. I've actually thrown up twice doing this.

I want sunshine when you say
That I'm a stupid girl who runs away
It's easier when it doesn't rain to change my mind and stay

You tell me that I could be happy, that gets me nasty
I want sunshine on my days
To clear and burn the trash I said
It's time to forgive the winter

A time to feel good and warm air
It's time for me to follow my own way and forget the trash I said
You tell me that I could be happy, that gets me nasty
I agree if you say "you're selfish", you're right, that's me
It's time to find a place to dive in sea and burn

Where do you go to, my lovely?

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 01:31:58 GMT

favorite verses from this song:

You talk like Marlene Dietrich
And you dance like Zizi Jeanmaire
Your clothes are all made by Balmain
And there's diamonds and pearls in your hair

You live in a fancy apartment
Of the Boulevard of St. Michel
Where you keep your Rolling Stones records
And a friend of Sacha Distel

When the snow falls you're found in St. Moritz
With the others of the jet-set
And you sip your Napoleon Brandy
But you never get your lips wet

They say that when you get married
It'll be to a millionaire
But they don't realize where you came from
And I wonder if they really care, they give a damn

But where do you go to my lovely
When you're alone in your bed
Tell me the thoughts that surround you
I want to look inside your head

here

tortured

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 18:38:34 GMT

1. I dig my own graves.
2. Spring Break is a disaster.
3. This trip was completely necessary.
4. What the fuck am I doing here?
5. Closure.

I'm a money lender
I have fortunes upon fortunes
Take my hand for tender
I am tortured, ever tortured

And if you don't love me let me go
And if you don't love me let me go

And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
I am a writer, I am all that you have hoped on

And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid ~~you~~ from my bones
My bones
My bones

What the fuck do I want?

take 5

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 23:30:12 GMT

I was so tired today, but I got my phil paper submitted by 5pm. Then, I fell immediately asleep and woke up without my glasses on. I have no idea where they went. I looked under my bed several times, and looked through everything as I cleaned my room, and I cant find them. :( If anyone wants to look harder, I'll give you 5 bucks if you find them. I'm too fucking tired to look any harder. :(